The Baddest Bitch in the Room by Sophia Chang

Author:Sophia Chang
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781646220106
Publisher: Catapult
Published: 2020-07-22T00:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER 8

THINGS FALL APART

W hen I hear someone’s getting married, I think, That’s not gonna last. At least not if they have kids. I am aware of exactly how fucked up that sounds, but I can’t help it, based on what I myself have experienced and seen. Believe me, there was nothing I wanted more than to stay together as a happy family. Happy being the operative word.

I started seeing a shrink in 2004 to work through my feelings about my relationship with Yan Ming and doubts around motherhood. The disintegration of the relationship naturally affected how I parented.

When I told my shrink that I thought I was being too draconian about the schedule and boundaries, she said, “Sophia, I can’t tell you how many people have sat across from me, exactly where you sit, and told me that their parents never established boundaries, and now as adults, they’re completely lost.” That was very reassuring because I wasn’t sure if I was overdoing it.

On another occasion, I told her about yelling at Jin Long for no good reason, and she said, “You know, Sophia, in the pyramid of well-being, the foundation is food, water, and shelter, and right above that is emotional well-being. Some people think that emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse.” That grabbed me by the collar and shook the shit out of me.

I am the most confident person I know, except when it comes to motherhood. As a philosophy, I choose to live with no regrets. I am grateful for my mistakes because they’re opportunities to learn. When I’ve hurt people, I analyze my behavior and take responsibility, but with adult interactions, there’s usually agency on both sides. When I’ve been a shitty mother, however, the only lesson I’ve learned is You’re a shitty mother. There is no power as awesome as that of a parent, and no victim as helpless as a child. To this day, there are occasions when I’m a horrible mother that I wish I could take back, that I would do anything to erase. There is no greater guilt and shame than in those moments. My bad-mommy highlight reel would be extensive and appalling.

Yelling at the kids was a huge source of tension between Yan Ming and me. Though I could never justify the times when my behavior was egregious, my children, thankfully, came to appreciate how strict I was. When they went on playdates, their friends’ parents marveled at how well-behaved they were. Yan Ming said I would kill their spirits, especially Jin Long’s, as he was so sensitive. And he was right. I had to find the right balance between caring and discipline.

When I yelled at Jin Long for leaving his toys out, not brushing his teeth, or poor grades, he would look at the floor and shut down completely. On one such occasion in Vancouver, Heesok said to me, “Sophia, far be it from me to tell you how to parent, but you have to be aware of how much Jin Long cares about what you say.

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